It is a proven fact that having children kills brain cells. (Don’t bother to look that up. Just trust me. You can write whatever you want on the internet) Which is why it’s not really surprising that parents tend to use the same old cliches over and over – there’s not much brain space left for coming up with new things to say. However, the exhaustion can also make us a *little* emotional and sensitive so sometimes when we hear them we can get our hackles up a bit. Luckily, I’m stepping in to help with this handy guide, outlining why they bother us and what to say instead.
#1 – Enjoy Every Moment
aka “It goes so fast”
“The days are long but the years are short”
“You’re going to miss these days!”
Let’s be honest. Moms who say this aren’t remembering every moment. They’re remembering the enjoyable ones – like when they’re asleep. Or those few minutes of snuggle time between tantrums. Or this moment as I write this when I’m sitting on my shaded back porch with a breeze blowing watching all four of my kids play together nicely in the clubhouse. This is a great moment. How many times do we look at that cute picture and imagine something sweet happening instead of remembering the threats and bribes that were involved in getting just one picture . Please!
But this is real life and it’s not always enjoyable. Like the moment I had a 5 year old with simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea, a 3 year old attempting to pour his own milk, and an 18 month old pulling eggshells out of the trash can. Did I mention I was 38 weeks pregnant? Yeah. I promise you, no one was enjoying that moment. Looking back on it I don’t think “oh wasn’t that sweet. I really wish I could do it again”. I think, “Thank goodness they went to bed eventually and I got a new day”. I’ve been doing this parenting thing for 7 years now and not one of those years have been “short”. They’ve all taken at least 365 looooooong days. I’m not saying I won’t hit that point and look back and think “where have the years gone?” – everyone and their mother promises me it’s coming – I’m just saying that right now I don’t believe you.
The scene at my house as I write. Yep, I'll take this. Mess and all.
I was talking to a sweet mama friend one day who was exhausted because her infant was on a sleep strike. She attempted a brave face through the exhaustion and said, “But I’m trying to enjoy it because I know they’re only little once”. I laughed and said, “It’s ok if you don’t enjoy every moment. This mom thing is hard. There are lots of good moments to go around”. Y’all, she teared up and looked so relieved. It was like no one had ever told her that it was ok to admit it was hard. Can you imagine the pressure we’re adding onto already exhausted mamas when we do that? We don’t mean to, we just forget and underestimate the importance of our words.
Good things to say instead:
“Your children are beautiful!”
“I remember how hard those days were. I promise you’re going to make it”
“Do you want me to watch the kids while you go take a nap?”
Best thing to say:
“You’re doing a great job. Here, have some chocolate while I pray for you.”
#2 – He must be teething!
Aka She must be hungry!
He must be tired!
She must want a cookie from Aunt Sarah! (oh, sorry. That one’s just me)
Now, look. If you see a Mama with a crying child, one of two things is happening. 1. Mama knows exactly why the child is crying. or 2. Mama has no idea why the child is crying.
If she knows why the child is crying, she’s probably doing everything in her power to get that child to the thing she needs. She may be desperately trying to buy diapers so she can get her to the bathroom and change her. Sometimes she knows exactly why the child is crying and is ignoring it because the child’s being ridiculous. Like “Mama wouldn’t let me lick the handle of the grocery cart!” or “It’s not Tuesday!” or “I just realized that you forgot to take my goggles to the beach last month!”.
Other times we have no idea, but believe me when I tell you that we have tried ALL THE THINGS. No Mama is going to let their child fuss and then when you suggest they are hungry, say “Oh, really? I didn’t think of that!” and hand them a cracker from her magic purse and everything is fine. She has TRIED THAT. Once my son had to spend the night in a hospital after a complicated febrile seizure (he’s fine now) – he was about 16 months old. That child screamed the entire night. I mean SCREAMED. We held him, we put him down, we gave him popsicles, we gave him toys, we gave him screens, we gave him medicine to make him sleepy…..he was just not having any of it. His nurse could not have been sweeter, but she kept asking me, “What does he want? What can I get him?” and I wanted to yell, “If I knew what he wanted I would have already done it!!!!!!!!” (Please forgive me, sweet nurse – it had been one of the most stressful days of my life and I was exhausted and 8 months pregnant. You were really trying to help. Also I didn’t really yell it out loud.)
Good things to say instead:
*sympathetic and encouraging smile while you keep moving*
“We’ve all been there. You’ve got this, Mama!”
“Please go ahead of me in line”
“Here, I’ll take this cart for you. You get on home“
Best thing to say:
“You’re doing a great job. Here, have some chocolate while I pray for you.”
#3 – Oh, that’s interesting!
Aka – “You’re so brave”
“Really?”
You know what I’m talking about when I say “the Mommy Wars”, right? They were invented by the internet. Some of the major battles in the Mommy Wars are sleep training, feeding, birth plans, career paths, schooling options, discipline methods…honestly, moms turn everything into a battle.
This is my fourth child, wearing a Hanna Andersson dress and eating ice cream. Nothing to see here, people. We're all good.
“Your child uses electronics? Oh, that’s interesting. Johnny doesn’t know what a tv is.”
“Where did you get that outfit? Hanna Andersson? Oh, that’s interesting. We get all of Susie’s clothes at consignment stores. I’ve never spent more than $1.50.”
“Cian is a traditional name in your family? Oh, that’s interesting. We didn’t want Bob to spend half of his childhood teaching people how to say his name.”
“You have 5 children? Oh, that’s interesting. I just don’t think I could give my angel the attention she deserves if I had any more”
“What’s that, Jane? You had Cocoa Puffs for breakfast? Oh, that’s interesting. We’ve never had sugared cereals in our house. The kids just love their bran flakes”
FYI – I’m not making fun of anyone who does any of these things. I AM definitely making fun of anyone who judges other moms this way.
Seriously. CHILL OUT.
Good things to say instead:
“I love how much your kids are learning from that!”
“Oh, cool!”
“Have you watched Psych, the best show ever on television? Because that’s my only real criteria for making friends.”
Best thing to say:
“You’re doing a great job. Here, have some chocolate while I pray for you.”
P.S – In order to avoid the Mommy Wars, stay away from the comment sections of the internet, except the ones on my pages. I’m pretty sure that a comment on the internet has never changed anyone’s mind about anything in the history of time. You have more important things to do. Like talk to your actual, real life friends.
#4 – Just wait until he’s older!
Ok, here it is. My absolute, hands-down, totally, without a doubt least favorite thing that moms do to one another. It takes so many forms.
Pregnant Mom: “I’m exhausted because I can’t sleep!” Other Mom: “Just wait until the baby’s here – then you’ll know what tired is!”
Mom of an Infant: “My baby’s crying is wearing me out” Other Mom: “Just wait until he’s a toddler – when you add volume and language it’s way more annoying!”
Mom of 1 toddler: “I want my child to eat healthy foods” Other Mom “Just wait until you have another one – he’ll be eating cookies for breakfast”
Mom of a preschooler: “I feel like we’re so busy!” Other Mom: “Just wait until your kids are in school – you’ll be nothing but their chauffeur”
Mom of an elementary schooler: “Other kids in his class are mean, and I’m trying to teach my child to be kind” Other Mom: “Just wait until he’s a teenager – then the drama really begins!”
Mom of a teenager: “This kid’s sports are costing me a fortune!” Other Mom: “Just wait until you have to pay for college – that’s really expensive!”
Mom of a college student: “I miss my kid!” Other Mom: “Just wait until they graduate, get married, and move away – then you’ll never see them!”
It goes on and on and on. It usually feels like a game of one-upmanship – “my life is harder than yours” – although, like all mommy advice, it often comes from a good place. But it drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. I’m going to break character for a minute, and be serious to tell you this:
Moms – Your life is hard. Right now, wherever you are, it’s hard. It may get harder, it may get easier. But right now, what you need is support and understanding in where you are. And to get through this hour and this day.
P.S. – I wrote this to moms, but it applies to non-moms, too. Please don’t tell a single person “You have so much freedom – just wait until you’re married” or someone without kids “You have it easy now – just wait until you have kids”. It’s not nice, I tell you. It’s not nice!
Good things to say instead:
“That is a totally normal feeling! I’ve been there.”
“What would help you most right now – advice, a listening ear, or a helping hand?”
“You do you, Mama. Whatever it takes to make it through. The kids will be fine!”
Best thing to say:
“You’re doing a great job. Here, have some chocolate while I pray for you.”
I love my pediatrician, and one of my favorite things about her is that every time we see her, she says, “You’re doing a great job”. Even when my monkeys are literally climbing walls and drawing on furniture so it’s obviously not true (this really happened. More than once). What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter if you really think she is doing a great job. Unless you are in some kind of a need-to-call-CPS situation, just say it. You can’t imagine how much it will mean to her. Because, the truth is, she’s working her butt off and doing the best she can. So she really is doing a great job, even if she’s not parenting the way you did. What kids need the most is to know that Jesus and their parents love them, and we all have our own ways of showing them those truths. So try and be as encouraging as you can – stay positive, be generous with the chocolate, and ask God to give her the strength she needs for this day.
An earlier version of this post appeared on Winchester-moms here.
This Post Has 2 Comments
Love this post!! ❤️❤️❤️
I feel I need to come pray with you and bring chocolate!!! Love this.